What I know about gorls you could put in a gnat’s ear. It’s not because I haven’t tried to understand gorls, I have tried to understand gorls. They make great mothers and grandmothers, I know that. But you show me a man who says he understands middle-aged gorls and I’ll show you a big fat liar. Though just because we can’t understand gorls does not mean we can’t love gorls. There is something comforting and contenting about a gorl’s voice, a gorl’s laughter.

And there are some really amazing gorls. I knew a gorl once who could stand on her hands, shoot a bow and arrow with her toes, and hit a target 50 feet away. She was probably the most amazing gorl I ever knew, though she was a terrible speller, she spelled cat with a “k”, and kite with a “c”. And, she had the cheek to tell me I was a bad speller. I never knew a gorl with more cheek than she had. She ran off with a door-to-door Fuller Brush Man and left me a note I couldn’t even begin to cipher. She said I didn’t understand gorls and never would understand gorls no matter how long I happened to live. And she closed that note by telling me I was in the 900s of the Dewey Decimal System, whatever that means. And she didn’t even put a hyphen in nit-picker. I miss her, but there are other gorls out there who are amazing, too. It’s just so hard to meet gorls.

I was in the quick 10-and-under line at Raley’s yesterday and there was a gorl in front of me who had 11 items by my count, and I couldn’t help but notice this gorl was buying a value pack of Nicorette Inhalers to try to quit smoking. So, I tapped this gorl on the shoulder and suggested to this gorl that maybe she should go put the Nicorette Inhalers back on the shelf, and that would make 10 items, and I would hold her place. This gorl looked at me like I asked to borrow $5, and then this gorl told me that what she had in her cart was none of my business, and then this gorl huffed real loud and turned her back on me. So, I tapped this gorl on the shoulder again and said, “You know, Formula One Smoke Away works better than Nicorette Inhalers anyways.” I was trying to be helpful, but this gorl gave me a look that would have killed a lesser man.

Maybe as I grow older I can find an older gorl who might be understandable, but I doubt it, because I guess no matter what age they are, gorls is gorls.

McAvoy Layne is a 30-year impressionist of Mark Twain who can be reached at GhostofTwain.com.

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