Pineapple by any other name is still trash

Guy Dossi

Sometimes as a journalist, asking the difficult questions is one of the most dreaded things to do. You just know that once that question leaves your lips, it’s out there and the person on the other end can either answer truthfully or, perhaps, will lie.

But just because the question is hard to ask, doesn’t mean it should be ignored. That being said, I feel that now might be just as good as a time as any to ask a question that I know many people have a very opinionated answer for. But to be fair, I will answer my own question and I only hope that my answer will not change the way you all view me as a human being.

So, here we go ... does pineapple belong on pizza?

That one simple question has ruined relationships, ended friendships, and caused families to feud for generations. Why do you really think the Hatfields and McCoys hated each other? One was a pineapple family and the other wasn’t.

With pizza being my fourth best friend, only behind my wife, cat and 1977 Gibson Les Paul, I’d like to think I know a thing or two about what makes a good pie. So, let the record show that I don’t think a piece of pineapple should ever touch a pizza.

However, in full disclosure, I hate pineapple to begin with. I believe that pineapple is the terrorist of the fruit group and I, for one, do not support terrorism. And to anyone who says, “Just pick the pineapple off of the pizza,” I say to you, “Dip a hot dog in the toilet and then just wring it out.” Once it is tainted, it’s tainted for good.

I’ve eaten pineapple once in the past 25 years and that was one of the most difficult things I’ve ever done, which shows I haven’t led a very hard life. The first time I was invited over to my future in-laws’ house, the dessert that was served was called dump cake, aka, a pastry with a pound of pineapple. Being a gentleman, I ate every bite that was at my disposal, all the while, trying to not send it back to where it came from in front of everybody.

And while I hate the vile fruit, the same cannot be said for the lovely Mrs. Dossi. She is one of those brainwashed folks who believes pineapple belongs on pizza. I’d like to think that as someone with Italian blood, my heritage would give me the upper hand on pizza etiquette. When I need help selecting quality maple syrup, I’ll be sure to ask ol’ Oh, Canada for her expert opinion.

I know there are people out there who can’t believe that I feel this strongly about my disdain for pineapple, but it’s true. If you want to ruin a pizza, just add pineapple. But just because I don’t like it, doesn’t mean I despise those who do. You are allowed to like pineapple and I’m allowed to disagree. That’s the beauty of pizza.

So, I’d like to think that one day my dinner table will be filled with lots of smiling faces enjoying all different kinds of pizza. And for anyone who wants a piece of pineapple pizza, rest assured, you will be able to find it at the bottom of the trash can. Enjoy.


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