It’s that time of year where we make our resolutions. Yes, it’s that time where we make some sweeping declaration about an aspect of our life that we are going to change. And for most of us, the change lasts only a few weeks.
That all stops this year.
Listen to me when I say that 2021 is going to be different. This will be the year that all of my resolutions will not only come true, but they will bow down to me and declare me their master. And when 2021 gives way to 2022, I will look back at this and smile, while basking in the glory all of my accomplishments.
Firstly, I’d like to watch more TV. If 2020 taught us anything, it’s that you can never watch too much TV. I may not have kids, but I think having Netflix, HULU, Amazon Prime and Dish Network can offer just as much, if not more joy than a child could.
Who needs a baby when I can watch “Rosemary’s Baby?” Who needs friends when I can watch “Friends?” And who needs to worry about working when I can watch Jim, Michael, Dwight and Pam in “The Office?” You see, all I need is right there for me on TV.
I’m not going to wait until April 15 to do my taxes. Nope, not this year. I’m going to get all of my taxes done in January. And to prove I’m serious, not only will I do my 2020 taxes, but I’m also going to do 2019, 2018, 2017, 2015 and 2014. Uncle Sam is going to be pretty impressed with my promptness this year.
This year, I’m finally going to win an argument with the lovely Mrs. Dossi. I know I haven’t been married very long, but I feel that this year is going to be the year where we end an argument and I come out as the victor. But if there’s one thing I’ve learned about marriage, it’s that telling your wife to “calm down” is not an ideal way to de-escalate an unpleasant situation.
I’m not going to allow my teams to make me cry this year. I’ve cried too much in my lifetime because of poor play from Notre Dame, the 49ers and Giants. So instead of crying, I’m going to drink during the games. If I drink too much, maybe I won’t remember what happened in the game and I won’t be so sad.
This year, I’m going to have deeper and more heartfelt conversations with my cat. Heck, earlier this week I told my cat the entire plot of “Ferris Bueller’s Day Off.” She was unimpressed.
I’m going to learn how to yodel, win a break dance contest, and figure out how to properly use an Oxford comma.
I’m going to allow people to think that everything interesting that I know came from years of studying and research and not Snapple facts.
I’m going to show more gratitude toward athletes, actors, celebrities and musicians. For without them, who would I know who to vote for?
This year, I’m going to finally be a part of a conga line.
In 2021, I’m going to post more on social media. There’s no better way to show to your friends, family and random strangers that you have your life together than posting a photo of yourself out somewhere, not smiling and putting some inspirational quote at the bottom that was googled 10 seconds beforehand. #LivingMyBestLife!
I’m going to complain even more about lights being left on in my house. I always thought it was just a joke that the older men get, the more they fuss about lights being left on, but no, it’s absolutely true. It’s going to get to the point where the only light we will have on in the house will be that of a candle. Of course, living in California, the whole power option could be taken away from us at any notice, so I guess when that happens, I win.
While my list of resolutions may seem like a tall mountain to climb, I say, “Move over, Sir Edmund Hillary, for there is going to be a new owner of Everest.” 2021 is going to be my year and it’s time to start changing myself for the better. But first, I’m going to take a nap.
Happy new year!