I’m about to blow the lid on this whole quarantine ordeal. Let’s be clear, there’s an entity who wants us to stay inside and at home for as long as possible. Now, I’m no conspiracy theorist, but I’m pretty sure that I’ve got this one figured out. Who benefits the most from us being stuck in our house all day?
That’s right, I believe that Netflix is behind the lockdown and wants us to sit around and watch its programming all day and night. And you know what? Netflix is succeeding.
It’s safe to say that since the middle of March, I’ve watched more mind-numbing TV than I have in the previous two years. With no escape or other options (other than reading, writing, exercising, eating healthy, conversing with friends and family, cleaning, landscaping, sleeping, bathing, playing games, listening to music or putting together puzzles) there is honestly nothing else to do than watch TV.
I’m truly ashamed to admit all the shows that I’ve watched from beginning to end, but because we are all being honest with each other, here’s my list of programs I’ve binged: “How I Met Your Mother,” “It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia,” “The Last Man on Earth (not a good choice, given what is currently going on),” “That ’70s Show,” “100 Humans” and “My Name is Earl.”
But there’s one program that I’m especially sad to admit that I watched, and that’s “Tiger King.” Yes, I gave in to my better judgment and watched what everyone was talking about. I have a buddy who refuses to watch it – to which I commend him – and I told him what watching “Tiger King” was like to me.
Imagine eating a large pizza all by yourself. Those first couple of slices are really good. You’re eating those slices and are thinking, “Man, I could eat pizza all day long. I sure do love pizza.” And then you get about halfway done and you start to regret your decision. However, you made the decision to eat all of it, so you power through. By the time you get to two slices left, you don’t feel good, you start to question all of your choices in life and wonder why you ever thought it was a good idea to eat so much pizza.
But you’re so close to finishing!
Those last two slices make you feel like vomiting and you never want to eat pizza ever again. But you’re done. You’ve completed the task. And when the pizza is all gone, you ask yourself, “Why did I just do that? Couldn’t I have done anything else to pass the time and maybe do something productive?” And then you remember that you are in a lockdown and at the time, it seemed like the best alternative to just staring at the wall.
So yes, because of Netflix, I’ve watched way too much TV and even put myself through the torture of watching “Tiger King.” But I feel that the decisions we make while we are on lockdown – like the 2020 MLB season and Reggie Bush’s Heisman Trophy – don’t really count. That being said, I still feel horrible that I’ve watched so much TV during this time. I think I’ll go talk to some pizza about my issues.